27th January 2019
Have you ever had to back off from a friendship that went bad ?
I think we can all say YES.
The reason I am spending part of my Sunday diarying recent goings on when I should be enjoying family time is to respond to a campaign against me which misrepresents information and actions on my part. I write this with as much objectivity as I can.
I had a situation recently where I worked alongside another business woman who became so very intense and mistrusting I had to back away from her. Initially I simply asked for a week break after the first incident to which the response was not that of continued friendship but of (how I perceive ) animosity.
She had been asked to mentor me as we were in the same branch of the network. To begin with this was lovely she even invited me to talk with a new team member due to “knowing more than her” on that part of the business. After waiting half an hour for our late one on one meeting to start I went with the flow as you do but it was inconsiderate of my time. You know give and take. As weeks went on I found myself advising her on topics like how she felt people took advantage, I gave advice about boundaries and things to help her not feel so put upon by others including a team member who she felt had been taking liberties with her time.
Now this is something she said to me on many occasions that she felt I brought as much to her as she did to me. It was lovely as I am constantly having ideas not only for my own business but for other peoples too. It is wonderful to help others succeed I love the meme about women helping each other up not dragging each other down.
After her behaviour towards me I could go into her bad qualities quite readily but with objectivity lets first look at the good. She was a support in business activities I felt like she was a mini cheerleader on my shoulder, you know like Jerry in Tom and Jerry where he has the good angel and bad devil. She gave great oily advice and when I looked for confirmation/double check at the information I had found out she was a great support. She was very keen for me to attend a team event and a corporate one that I was a little nervous to attend. In hindsight I wish I had never mentioned that I sometimes feel like this as there are people in the world that will and do use it against you. At the time I was excited and happy for her to insist on going together and I ensured I paid the expensive parking to say thank you. We had a lovely time despite turning up late, it was great to have her company and to enjoy the wonderful atmosphere at the doTERRA autumn event. She offered a free course to me with no obligation for anything and promised I could achieve her “emotional aromatherapy advisor” certificate on successful completion. I was amazed at the generosity and surprised. I must stress here neither she nor I discussed reviews or being paid to promote at this stage and also when later mentioned it was not by me.
Starting her Course
At present I don’t feel I can give a review except to say it was an interesting course but I will write an objective review once it is marked as promised.
When asked for honest feedback by her to improve and develop her course I gave it and was very careful to be diplomatic. Noticing some recent comments from new pupils, it’s lovely to see some of these ideas have been included.
The coursework itself she commented I was the only one who handed in one time her “star pupil” and that she was so impressed. I did work hard to keep the day work and coursework all completed on time and these days being a mother and working full time hours it really is a lot to fit in. I even managed to make the class that had been rearrange to suit a class mate but it had been missed by her that I could not be back for the rearranged time.. I made it with minutes to spare after a filling at the dentist not an easy thing.
So the second event was our team event which went well. She was incredibly nervous and I did my best to assure her and support her as a friend and business colleague. I validated her as she had asked for me to by messenger, I reassured her of her talents for her subject in messages to bolster her confidence and assured her she was doing great. Thinking back I actually took photos as she requested and video footage for her. When I was put on the spot by her I spoke honestly and favorably about her course in front of the breakout group and to others attending the event.
We all fall down
So where might you say did it go a bit Pete Tong.
She was a bit like my work wife until I created a facebook group named “A Game” once I created this she started behaving very unusually towards me. Now for background this group I created so members studying “health and nutrition” course could support each other. From my experience doing a similar course it would have been wonderful to compare notes and also share ideas for resources a bit more like classmates that individuals in isolation learning if that makes sense.
Interestingly others that I won’t name noticed a big shift in her behaviour too. Her manner in message had completely changed, it was very alien to the positive extremely enthusiastic manner previously portrayed.
So message manner was one thing, which I found a puzzle and couldn’t pin point why the change had happened despite racking my brain on if I had said or done something but just came back blank.
10th November I receive the message “whats the agame group ? ” with a further message “??!!!!” very strange I felt especially with the over use of exclamation marks. I explained what is was and I asked what the matter was, she didn’t answer this.
12th November when we finally got to talk it was face to face on zoom it was an hour and a half long. I listened to her tell her of her concerns and suspicions about the group “the a game” she told of how it seemed underhand and how I normally discussed my ideas with her.. Now I often did discuss ideas with her however she was very busy she had not time so I did not have opportunity to cover all my thoughts and ideas I had. The courses “Nutrition & Health” she knew of and happily said she supported me in promoting them to our team. Now this is very much stepping out of my comfort zone being on a live chat. But to grow my business and develop as a person I wanted to take part in these things and improve the skill.
Her concerns I will try outline as I don’t want this to be too long.
Reasons she felt upset she told me I hadn’t told her first about “a game” Facebook group.
- She felt I should be indebted to her for mentoring, pushing me to have a picture with Hayley Hobson. * if you know me you would know this is not something I need or am keen to seek out.
- That I was taking part in her free course.
I did my best to explain that there was no worries to be had and she mentioned that she had concerns I was promoting other aromatherapy courses to which I explained that the provider of the FREE government funding do not do aromatherapy courses. I mentioned that I had wished to discuss with her if she wished to incorporate her course into the “a game” as it could evolve and grow in many ways. Not long before as she was aware I was feeling under financial strain that she would pay me to promote her course… I have got to stress this she offered near the end of the course. This was never agreed upon as to how and the amount.
Basically every concern/suspicion was not a possibility. She relayed a story about a “friend ” where a prodigy had been nurtured and brought on where by that prodigy had stolen her “friends” job. It wasn’t until the next morning it clicked that there may be a more personal note to the story but that’s just my personal opinion. I am not a teacher or lecturer and I certainly don’t have an aspiration at this time to do so.
Anyway in summary the hugely draining conversation was exhausting and awful to have a person you view as a friend grow such a huge suspicion from nowhere.
16th November 18
She messaged to ask about the course I had realized that I felt so uncomfortable following her accusations and mistrust that I really needed space from her. My reply was to park the conversation for a week. Instead of a polite message back I got a rant about friendship, don’t bother promoting my course and a disingenuous wish you luck.
I feel this was the point when I understood certainly subconsciously that friendship was out of the question. It was okay for her to emotionally expel her unfounded feelings and suspicions towards me which I was polite and spend an hour and half reassuring her … however she would not accept me having space from our friendship for just one week. So I felt professional and polite was appropriate I did not rise to her messages that tbh I feel she wanted a debate or argument from me. My gut reaction was to walk away from her course but I felt that I had worked hard and it was promised with no strings…. Perhaps that was naive thinking in hindsight as the saying goes somebody always wants something.
New team mate
On the 24th November I had a lovely team member join that I had previously talked with her about and to the new joiner I had talked favourable about the emotional course. It is interesting because I guess I had talked so favourably that the team member had approached her before joining to ask about the course. The messages I had from her show her offering the “potential starter” a big discount to join her own team. Now I can’t pinpoint exactly what went on between them apart from what I know as fact.
She messaged after my new team member joined me saying not to trust the new team mate stating she was not an honest person.. Not to go into all detail but the new team member was made to feel terrible and unwelcome by her to the extent she returned her set and decided not to build. Now I can’t begin to understand fully all the ins and out but it was very INTERESTING. I certainly believe there was no professionalism here. Everyone is entitled to their personal view that’s a given but to reduce another to feeling awful doesn’t say something about the individual that is being condemned but says more about the person doing the condemning.
The “a game ” page I felt reluctant to touch as it was the focus of her suspicions and ill feeling had made me feel so uncomfortable. So I must apologise for it not providing those interested in “health nutrition and fitness” more value.
Things move on
The communication between us continued in a strained way with messages from her saying "HA HA" due to my delay in liking her comment on Facebook and screen shotting the time her phone suggested I liked it on facebook.
The Course finished
With just one lesson to complete I kept going with it as I felt I should see it though. As you can image a difficult task to hand in an extensive piece of coursework (45+pages long) on the 20th Dec. I stayed up late and got in on time. I was the only one out of the four. The promise was to have results on the 7th January 2019 with graduation on the 20th January 2019 neither happened. The results were said to be delayed due to no-one else handing in their final piece and results were again promised on the 20th December and this date came and went. Feedback was promised within the week and this has not happened. She informed another person that I had a few little amendments to make then the same day told them I would get my certificate before our next team event.
When I messaged I kept it polite and professional after all we all need to work together right ?
Well the responses I got talked firstly about the course then followed on about friendship, there really was a lack of separation with remarks such as “our friendship was a comfort to me in the beginning” to be honest I have no words to respond to her, as a tutor it was totally unprofessional and friendship matters should be kept separate. If you consider a teacher in a school or even at a college, this behaviour would not be allowed to happen as its not appropriate.
So looking through the "interesting" allegations I feel I can and have mentioned what I need to. One person asked me directly what courses I did by private message and I did tell them. The funny thing is the only reason I completed two other courses was due to this persons behaviour and despite that I have been especially respectful not to mention on any public forum, the subsequent courses I completed by provider name or link. I did show my new certificates however again no link to provider or publicised provider shown and I also haven't named the provider or means to find the provider on my Facebook group "a game." Oh and before I forget I certainly didn't and do not look through anyone's contacts and approach them.
I am building a business as are you and I am simply not inclined and I am too busy for that.
Anyways that's enough of an insight into my world.
Bye for now